quote of the day

"baby, i'm gonna paint your uterus tonight"

farts dripping with sadness

i have spent the morning in deep contemplation. i wish there was a way that i could harness the immense power of my farts. think of the possibilities; they really are endless. i mean, this could be fucking revolutionary. it's the most basic of our natural defense systems, and it really should be more of an on-demand type of thing.

ever since i was a kid, i have dreamed of being able to package and distribute my farts. i used to catch them in jars and then see how long they would last in there. so yes, that means i sat around smelling my own farts out of a jar. of course, i would be masturbating, hanging upside down with my nipples clamped and connected to a walkman with exposed wiring, providing a small current directly to my tender nips while i sniffed my own poo gas. you know, just like every 10 year old kid did.

farts really are fucking fascinating to me. say what you will, but it is amazing that something so foul and awesomely offensive comes out of my butt. it really is an out only zone, i have never been able get with the whole anal sex thing. the idea of it is just disturbing. why don't you just bone a dude if you want to fuck a butt? i got nothing against some nice man on man butt sex if that's your thing, but there is absolutely nothing feminine about butt sex, that's for sure. vaginas are there so you don't have to fuck butt. there's a reason why that has been the preferred hole since the beginning of time.

seriously, just look at the basic construction of an asshole. it's built with defenses to ward off incoming objects. think about the first people that tried to stick a wiener in a butt. some guy is like "you know what? i think i am gonna try something new tonight, cave woman. i will put my dick in that super tight hole no bigger than my ear canal, just to see what happens. it looks like it could be warm in there. and after all that poop has been in there, it's gotta be relatively clean, right?" i bet even that pre-historic dude with the first anal fetish realized that what he was doing was just a little off, especially since he most def felt the horrific friction burn of the butthole, being that there was no lube back then. can't be fun to have a severe poop burn coupled with the slight greenish hue of poo stain left on his manhood.

also, what's with the close up on the butthole in a porno after some juiced up roid head completely annihilates it? it's like a deformed dolphin blowhole rimmed with blood and sweat, lined with stray pubes and dripping with sadness, just the thing to really help a boner reach peak performance.

on a completely unrelated note:

"it's like banging a silk bag full of puppy ears." all i can say about this quote is that if you're not watching Blue Mountain State on Spike, you need to watch it

quotes of the day

"my farts are air farts. like the wind"

"just remember, i am always behind you. with my wiener out"

skullduggery, doubloons

i sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a pirate. and not one of those wack ass third world country pirates in a fucking somalian spongebob squarepants floaty, but a totally legit old school pirate with a fake leg that's a petrified rhino boner or some shit, because i can't afford a wooden leg. i would be so awesomely pirate that i would steal the rhino boner right out from under a live rhino while it was fucking a chick rhino (you do not want to fuck with a pirate that can pull off a move like that). fuck yeah!

yeah, that already sounds super badass. i have a total mind boner just thinking about it. i might even gouge my own eye out just to wear a patch and then i would use the eye as bait to catch an unsuspecting parrot that i will keep in my pocket (my back pocket, of course. why? because it would be really badass to pull a parrot out of my back pocket whenever i wanted to). or maybe i will just catch a bald eagle and pee on it, just because pirates do badass shit like that. us pirates pee with no regard for bald eagle life. believe it bitches!

so then, after i pee on the bald eagle and mark my territory, the eagle will will become my minion, ready for battle at any moment. of course, once he tastes the sweet subtly of my golden urine, he will be forever in debt to me for showering him with my pirate glory, literally smothering him in the badassery that is pirate.

not sure why my pirate self seems to be collecting birds.... but that's just what a pirate has to do to get by sometimes, damn it.

free your wiener and worship a fister

it's some total bullshit that a grown man can't pull out his wiener when he chooses. now, don't get me wrong; some wieners are unacceptable for public viewing. it just sucks to have such a powerful symbol of my manhood all pent up in the darkness of my pants.

i mean it's anatomical structure is just begging to be exposed. why else would it stick out from my body? so it can be displayed it all its glory, of course. there is some benefit to having it all tucked away for the "big reveal" before you go to town on some slampig, but it really could cut out a lot of the bullshit when you first meet some girl. she could immediately size you up and move on, or beg for a little taste.

i am all about eliminating the crap we all go through with the initial song and dance pre coitus. i am personally "off the market," (sucks for you) but i think it would do us all a lot of good.

imagine for me, if you will, a world in which wieners flop freely in the ocean breeze, adding a nice salty taste to your fleshy nutsack. trust me, all of our wieners could use some fresh air. how do we even know what our wieners are supposed to look like anymore? they have been restricted and scorned for so long that they may have shriveled and retreated, imprisoned within restrictive tighty whities.

for all we know, our tube snakes were 2 feet long 1,000 years ago. and maybe all the vageenas shrunk along with the wieners over time. maybe all those chicks getting fisted in your dad's private movie collection are actually prehistoric examples of mankind. maybe they are the true missing links, their massive vagina openings serving as a giant portal into the past. you could hop right into one of those fuckers and it would be like diving right into the true history of our species.

never again will i look down upon those talented ladies with an arm stuck inside them. i shall gaze upon them with reverence, for these my friends are the true beacons of our glorious past. or maybe they just like getting fisted.

either way, they are pretty fucking talented

quote of the day

"i like variety in my mouth"

quote of the day

"i still love your golden hairless body"

my dreamy lover

iphone, why do you taunt me? why do you laugh in my face with your millions of unattainable apps? i hate you, but i can't stop loving you. you make me want to spend $500 on you, but i still need an apartment. but maybe we can work something out... if i let you stay at my place for a while, can you be cheaper? i will totally give you morning head if you stay with me, and maybe even a blumpkin (for those of you not familiar with the glorious blumpkin, it is a blowjob received while taking a hot, steaming shit). actually, i will give you blumpkins repeatedly.

on second thought, do i even need an apartment if i have you?

do you love me as much as i love you? please talk to me, i feel like all we ever do together anymore is watch tv. do you still think i'm sexy? why can't you just stay in tonight? we're not moving too fast. no! don't leave, i'll change, i swear.

i miss you so much