skullduggery, doubloons

i sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a pirate. and not one of those wack ass third world country pirates in a fucking somalian spongebob squarepants floaty, but a totally legit old school pirate with a fake leg that's a petrified rhino boner or some shit, because i can't afford a wooden leg. i would be so awesomely pirate that i would steal the rhino boner right out from under a live rhino while it was fucking a chick rhino (you do not want to fuck with a pirate that can pull off a move like that). fuck yeah!

yeah, that already sounds super badass. i have a total mind boner just thinking about it. i might even gouge my own eye out just to wear a patch and then i would use the eye as bait to catch an unsuspecting parrot that i will keep in my pocket (my back pocket, of course. why? because it would be really badass to pull a parrot out of my back pocket whenever i wanted to). or maybe i will just catch a bald eagle and pee on it, just because pirates do badass shit like that. us pirates pee with no regard for bald eagle life. believe it bitches!

so then, after i pee on the bald eagle and mark my territory, the eagle will will become my minion, ready for battle at any moment. of course, once he tastes the sweet subtly of my golden urine, he will be forever in debt to me for showering him with my pirate glory, literally smothering him in the badassery that is pirate.

not sure why my pirate self seems to be collecting birds.... but that's just what a pirate has to do to get by sometimes, damn it.